Phew

Wow. I broke my blog plan already. So no shit, there I was … crying at my desk. Again. A sweeping anxiety attack wrecked havoc on my day today, and it’s showing.

For two hours I tried a plethora of ways to cope with my unrelinquishing anxiety attack, but nothing helped it abate until I got in my car and could feel my pending doom about parenting alone tonight.

The conversation that started it all was simple but it did hold some big emotions for me. CDL (or Crazy Duck Lady!) took it in stride and educated me while never judging or hating me. But I felt like I was, I had put myself under the microscope of hate and I thought she would be gunning for me. CDL is a super sweet woman from West Virginia sooooo it was totally unacceptable behavior on my end.

For two hours I attempted to ground myself, walk away and focus on other things, or deep breathing. None helped and I was left feeling like I had someone sitting on my chest. Heck, I still feel that way.

I was also required to solo parented tonight since it’s Tuesday, Captain’s golf night. The cats had eaten half the pack of hot dogs before I got home, the canines were relentless in their pursuit of human food, and the boys… oh my boys. I had bought play-doh in hopes that Boogs would accept solo play, but he preferred being upset I focused on Brother and Brother was upset I didn’t shovel the applesauce in fast enough.

Dishes are going undone. Litter has not been changed. Bags have not been unpacked. The boys fell asleep crying… but every creature and being ate and lots of outdoor play was had without use of a screen.

I’m glad to be finally through this day, that Capt is bringing me home chocolate extreme Blizzard from DQ, and sleep can win.

If you’re in this mind space.. please know I’m here for you, just wait until tomorrow because I am not even here for me tonight.

Xo, Chels

P.S. I’m fine, just electronically journaling

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