Why…?

This may sound like a story of a big whine fest. But many people asked so I will give the low down

Sooooooo if you’re a Word Press follower, you’ll be really confused if I don’t fill you in. Below is my Facebook post. No, it wasn’t for attention, I was merely letting it out. “Realizing my worth to pretty much everyone today. And I can honestly say if it weren’t for my kids, I may not make it through this day. I’ve been made aware of my faults through self reflection, so let the bitch come out … I’m done.”

Today sucked. So hard. For so many reasons. But one of the worst was the crippling comments my sister made to my grandmother and I. You see, my sister is a heroin AND meth addict who is currently in a long term rehabilitation facility meant to teach her how to parent. My niece is a child of the state and resides with my grandparents and uncle.

Sister’s entire life she has tried desperately to say how spoiled I am and how much no one cares for her. I have attempted to alleviate her pain by taking in her daughter, fighting for her honor amongst our family, and paying for her to have nicer things because she asks. In return she throws everything in my face, blames her choices on us all, and continues to increase her demands while decreasing her appreciation. I should also add that many of my family members have attempted to help her too! not just me… We have attempted to see the good in her and have encouraged her to continue with all rehab.

Today was a family visit day. They make me anxious because of her abrasive behaviors and she always asks for things and/or money while complaining about her always “awful” situation. I took along Nanny and June. Part of me wanted their support because Capt couldn’t join in, part of me wanted to be nice by bringing her daughter.

When we arrived, June was taken quickly but we were left to fend for ourselves to get through the door and to the main visiting area. I needed to run back to the car but I could already feel the static, maybe she could too? Upon my return, she told us how they were taking the children to a $5 movie but she needed money for food at said movie, could I give her some? Wow, not a: “Hello, how are ya, thanks for driving 2.5 hours one way.”… great. Fine, here’s $20 of my own personal money. She began talking about her plans for leaving rehab soon, and using school help our mother receives since she was in the military. ZING! Here it comes. I popped her bubble when I told her that I’m going back to school and I am using it with permission of our mom. Mind you, I’m as quiet as possible because I’m so flabbergasted she would just EXPECT to be able to use money that she didn’t ask for.

The look. Oh the look. I was called entitled, told that I get everything handed to me because I’m the favorite, and she can never get anywhere because of me. My nanny is a tough woman while being sweet so she sits there quietly until I leave the area. (I was not engaging in the hostility she spewed out of respect for the babies and my nanny!) Nanny sat there while sister went on to say that no one ever helps her, she is always left out and we are all so awful. Nanny had enough and attempted to squish her drama causing. People like my sister cannot be stopped, so she continues on with how no one pays for anything, I receive everything and our mother is never there for her. Nanny saw the conversation going nowhere so she stops.

I walk over while sister is changing June and start packing up the kids. It’s an hour before we should be leaving but eff it. I’m not allowing the disrespect anymore. I’ve been so nice for too long. I was D.O.N.E. She comes back, looking at me. In a low voice I look her in the eye and say, “You are entitled and mean.” She walks away, so I corner her and finished with: “Don’t ask me for a f^ck$ng thing again.” And leave with all kids and nanny in tow.

Total up what I’ve spent on her since she landed in jail back in Dec: $700. Not on what she NEEDS but wants. Plus many visits, sometimes driving over 2 hours once a month since rehab began. Only to be called awful things. Only for it to mean nothing. Only for biting my tongue and stressing out. Nope, not anymore, satan. This has been a toxic three years with her but I’ve tried to accept her because she is my sister.

Add to it that my goats decided to “hightail” it out of their pen for at least 90 minutes, Captain and I butted heads pretty hard, and I felt poorly about myself to begin with and you can see how I started to spiral. And spiral I did. Life was a hard choice today, but I did it for my children. They will not grow up in that toxic situation, I have become a Grade A B10tch today… and I’m not letting it go any time soon. I am under appreciated by many people, so I’m roaring loud; disrespect me and the claws are coming out.

I’m done being nice just to make ‘your’ life easier. No more going out of my way. No more communicating with anyone I don’t want. No more asking. I’m telling y’all. Karma has a new name:Chelsea.

So to answer everyone: no, I’m not okay. No, we aren’t okay. If you haven’t talked or checked in on me in two weeks, don’t bother, the ignore button is ON. We will see if I can make it through this.

Xo,

Chelsea

Ps. If you feel like, please pray for a bit of time to soften my heart some. I’d hate to be the kaka head forever.